ongoing

What an interesting experience, this thing called grad school. I have contemplated dropping out so many times last term that it is quite amusing that I am actually here...Up until a week before classes began this term I thought I was going to have to drop out due to financial reasons. I managed somehow to pull the money out of my ass, but the stress of not knowing, coupled with finishing off assignments, was not a fun thing. Now it gets to begin again with this term! My whole xmas break consisted of working (school and for money) and I think my parents regret spending their jealously guarded airmiles to fly me home. Although, I think it made them realize the amount of work that has to be put into the whole process (whereas before, they scoffed at the idea that it was THAT much work). In any case, my whole awareness of the intense financial barriers that are in place in any attempt to "pull oneself up by the bootstraps" has become even more hyperactive, and yes, even though there are many grants that are available (blah blah blah) it is no surprise to me that (from my experience, although it would be difficult to determine? Do they keep stats on economic background?) the higher up the academic scale one goes, the less diverse the community (in terms of economic background, but also those other things that everyone would like to ignore that reflect inequality) becomes. Maybe I am cranky because the things that I know are important...such as actually being able to buy books, attend conferences, go places to do research, are not possible for me, but are for other people, and it is these things that do secure (to some extent) one's exposure to the academic "community" at large...or even the ability to read next weeks readings. I am struggling to keep my head above water, and at times I feel panic. Yeah, I know, suck it up, this is what I asked for, what I wanted, what everyone goes through. Cold comfort, my friends, cold comfort.