On a positive note...

The person I am TAing for, who also happens to be my supervisor, is most inspiring. If I do manage to stick it through for the next 5+years, I would very much like to be a teacher/supervisor like this individual.

...and I have finally made a few intellectual connections with people...among other things.





Now I will get back to my *feeling sorry for myself* standard operating procedure....

How is it that most of my students that are in the class I am TAing for don't know the difference between the political parties? How does that happen?

"But GS, we just don't know the difference between the NDP and the Conservative Party"

"We just don't care"

"What class am I in?"

The apathy expressed by most is disconcerting, to say the least. Not that I have much faith in formal politics, but this is ridiculous. They can recite all the winners from the last four Canadian/American Idol, identify the past five movies that so-and-so actor was in, tell me all about what is "hot" in this year's fashion, but are unable to define what Conservative or Liberal means.

Is this a common thing, or am I just happening to TA the most apathetic group in Canada?

once upon a time...

once upon a time, I had lofty goals of balancing "real" life with "academic" life. I felt such hostility to the academy as I watched tp spend hour after hour working, with no break in sight. We would go to the lake in the summer and TP would bring books or whatever happened to be the item requiring attention for that day and I would think "grrr. I can't believe that TP won't take a break" or some other (much harsher) sentiment. I would rail against (in my mind) the way that such intense focus on work would interfere with health, with friendships, with the ability to interact with the "outside" world. While the level of work was just intense for me (I was working -at times- three jobs and taking a full course load) in the summers, and sometimes on weekends, I would take the day off and have fun...

I realized in the last couple of days that all visions I had of me managing to balance between school and "real" life have flown out the window and I too am following in those unhealthy footsteps. I think I have a much better understanding of the pressure TP had and how it becomes impossible (or can become impossible) to shut it off.

I also realized how unhappy many of my cohort is.

The question is...does the academy attract people who are unhappy, or does it make us unhappy? Are we immersed in books so we can ignore the outside world, or do the books make us so unhappy that it is impossible to relate to the footloose and francy free ways of those who aren't constantly analyzing the meaning of every little thing that surrounds them?

I can't shut it off.

Good lord, please make it stop.

ongoing

What an interesting experience, this thing called grad school. I have contemplated dropping out so many times last term that it is quite amusing that I am actually here...Up until a week before classes began this term I thought I was going to have to drop out due to financial reasons. I managed somehow to pull the money out of my ass, but the stress of not knowing, coupled with finishing off assignments, was not a fun thing. Now it gets to begin again with this term! My whole xmas break consisted of working (school and for money) and I think my parents regret spending their jealously guarded airmiles to fly me home. Although, I think it made them realize the amount of work that has to be put into the whole process (whereas before, they scoffed at the idea that it was THAT much work). In any case, my whole awareness of the intense financial barriers that are in place in any attempt to "pull oneself up by the bootstraps" has become even more hyperactive, and yes, even though there are many grants that are available (blah blah blah) it is no surprise to me that (from my experience, although it would be difficult to determine? Do they keep stats on economic background?) the higher up the academic scale one goes, the less diverse the community (in terms of economic background, but also those other things that everyone would like to ignore that reflect inequality) becomes. Maybe I am cranky because the things that I know are important...such as actually being able to buy books, attend conferences, go places to do research, are not possible for me, but are for other people, and it is these things that do secure (to some extent) one's exposure to the academic "community" at large...or even the ability to read next weeks readings. I am struggling to keep my head above water, and at times I feel panic. Yeah, I know, suck it up, this is what I asked for, what I wanted, what everyone goes through. Cold comfort, my friends, cold comfort.