On a positive note...

The person I am TAing for, who also happens to be my supervisor, is most inspiring. If I do manage to stick it through for the next 5+years, I would very much like to be a teacher/supervisor like this individual.

...and I have finally made a few intellectual connections with people...among other things.





Now I will get back to my *feeling sorry for myself* standard operating procedure....

How is it that most of my students that are in the class I am TAing for don't know the difference between the political parties? How does that happen?

"But GS, we just don't know the difference between the NDP and the Conservative Party"

"We just don't care"

"What class am I in?"

The apathy expressed by most is disconcerting, to say the least. Not that I have much faith in formal politics, but this is ridiculous. They can recite all the winners from the last four Canadian/American Idol, identify the past five movies that so-and-so actor was in, tell me all about what is "hot" in this year's fashion, but are unable to define what Conservative or Liberal means.

Is this a common thing, or am I just happening to TA the most apathetic group in Canada?

once upon a time...

once upon a time, I had lofty goals of balancing "real" life with "academic" life. I felt such hostility to the academy as I watched tp spend hour after hour working, with no break in sight. We would go to the lake in the summer and TP would bring books or whatever happened to be the item requiring attention for that day and I would think "grrr. I can't believe that TP won't take a break" or some other (much harsher) sentiment. I would rail against (in my mind) the way that such intense focus on work would interfere with health, with friendships, with the ability to interact with the "outside" world. While the level of work was just intense for me (I was working -at times- three jobs and taking a full course load) in the summers, and sometimes on weekends, I would take the day off and have fun...

I realized in the last couple of days that all visions I had of me managing to balance between school and "real" life have flown out the window and I too am following in those unhealthy footsteps. I think I have a much better understanding of the pressure TP had and how it becomes impossible (or can become impossible) to shut it off.

I also realized how unhappy many of my cohort is.

The question is...does the academy attract people who are unhappy, or does it make us unhappy? Are we immersed in books so we can ignore the outside world, or do the books make us so unhappy that it is impossible to relate to the footloose and francy free ways of those who aren't constantly analyzing the meaning of every little thing that surrounds them?

I can't shut it off.

Good lord, please make it stop.

ongoing

What an interesting experience, this thing called grad school. I have contemplated dropping out so many times last term that it is quite amusing that I am actually here...Up until a week before classes began this term I thought I was going to have to drop out due to financial reasons. I managed somehow to pull the money out of my ass, but the stress of not knowing, coupled with finishing off assignments, was not a fun thing. Now it gets to begin again with this term! My whole xmas break consisted of working (school and for money) and I think my parents regret spending their jealously guarded airmiles to fly me home. Although, I think it made them realize the amount of work that has to be put into the whole process (whereas before, they scoffed at the idea that it was THAT much work). In any case, my whole awareness of the intense financial barriers that are in place in any attempt to "pull oneself up by the bootstraps" has become even more hyperactive, and yes, even though there are many grants that are available (blah blah blah) it is no surprise to me that (from my experience, although it would be difficult to determine? Do they keep stats on economic background?) the higher up the academic scale one goes, the less diverse the community (in terms of economic background, but also those other things that everyone would like to ignore that reflect inequality) becomes. Maybe I am cranky because the things that I know are important...such as actually being able to buy books, attend conferences, go places to do research, are not possible for me, but are for other people, and it is these things that do secure (to some extent) one's exposure to the academic "community" at large...or even the ability to read next weeks readings. I am struggling to keep my head above water, and at times I feel panic. Yeah, I know, suck it up, this is what I asked for, what I wanted, what everyone goes through. Cold comfort, my friends, cold comfort.

I am working on organizing a grad conference, and am planning on presenting at a grad confernce in the near future. Floating around both of these conferences is the idea that they are good because they will "put a line on your cv." (God, the process of padding the cv just gets earlier and earlier...)

I wonder how useful this approach is, and whether grad conferences really hold that much weight in the larger academic world. Are they recognized as an important step in the transition from student to scholar, or are they (in all honesty) dismissed as a chance for a bunch of nervous grad students to get together and present boring papers that lack the same intellectual rigour as a 'real' conference? Is it a bit of both?

Making the transition to being a TA is an interesting thing. When I am leading class discussion, I find myself reflecting on whether or not I am being 'objective' while teaching a particular subject or idea. (Although, why I would presume to be able to reach objectivity, or even think that it is a good thing, is troubling at the same time. I digress...)


In my last class, a woman who has increasingly become a bit distracting, kept interrupting class discussion with quips such as 'I hate unions," "poor people are lazy" or my personal favorite, "I hate feminists." I suggested to her that while it is important to express how one feels about a particular perspective or event, it is more useful when the arguments go a bit deeper that one-liners with no evidence to back up the statement.

After that class I started thinking about the classroom environment, and methods for dealing with students who have views in direct conflict with my own. I have a pretty strong perspective that informs how I understand history, or events in the past, (sometimes referred to as a bit radical) and I guess I want to balance how I teach things with open-ended discussion for the students- I want them to 'discover' and 'unpack' their own understanding of the past, not be forced to view it from my perspective...at the same time, I think it is important to challenge some of the statements made by students (like the one above), and so I am struggling with where the line is between correcting wrong assumptions (?!) and teaching what I believe to be the best approach(s) for understanding history. How do I determine that, interpretation wise? Should I leave my own values behind when teaching, should I temper them, or should I hold them up and encourage students to challenge me, thus provoking conversation?

How do other people deal with this?

I found out that my younger sister is going to have a baby. I am hoping beyond hope that can be there for the birth...

note to self: see if I can find a travel fund at my university, and a really good reason why I must travel home, research-related, in the summer.


How do I get rid of the comment spammers? I keep getting hit with all of this information on adult personals and dating, and while that is exciting and all...well, they are the only people commenting, so maybe I shouldn't figure that out after all.

I just had my first hysterical (of the not funny variety) late night phone conversation with a friend who also has just started graduate school. It consisted of a great deal of maniacal giggles and "I just don't know what to say" type comments.

I left the conversation feeling a bit better that I had been though...there is truth to that adage that misery loves company...I guess.

I think I am cracking up a bit.

This too shall pass.

Not that it necessarily matters...

But almost 95% of all grad students I have met so far have parents (at least one, that is) who are academics.

Brief Update

I finally have internet access (as of five minutes ago), have a bed, have a desk, and my books are arriving (oh so slowly) in the mail.

Things are looking up.


In other news, this song is getting a heavy rotation in my playlist.

Ok, I am going to make a sincere effort to maintain this blog now. After leaving this space I made a few half-assed attempts elsewhere, but I lost interest pretty quickly.
Now that I am back in the fold, so to speak, the obsession/pressure/panic/joy/etc is mounting, and I feel the need to begin writing again. That is, once I actually get my internet access at home (it has been almost a month now).

More later...

sos

My attempts to understand the inner workings of my new school is causing me to fall apart (not really, but my heart is racing madly).

Just sent e-mail to t*f*p detailing my desire to bang my head off of my desk (not sure if it was coherent).

must cut back on coffee, as I am sure it is not helping matters at all.

Well, I guess I am off to grad school.


good god, what am I getting myself into?

I'm still around...things are hard, but I did manage to get grad school apps off. Wish me luck....

I'd like to thank the Academy for providing me with the opportunity to hold the title of Faculty Wife.

Sadly, I am going to have to resign my title, as it appears that I will no longer be able to fill that role.





Uhm, any faculty looking for a wonderful, eager, smart, experienced, motivated, already jaded, politically aware and active grad student? If you are affiliated with either History or Women's Studies and interested (and willing to provide funding)...I am currently accepting applications. Please include an essay detailing why you think that you would be suited to work with me.


Serious inquiries only: facultywife@hotmail.com

Something similar to WW III has broken out on the homefront.


The UN has been called in to deal with negotiations.



Ok, maybe that is a bit harsh, but things haven't been pleasant (nor have I, for that matter).


Hell hath no fury like a faculty wife and faculty wife partner scorned (by each other)...or something along those lines.

Wow.


It's almost as if I have fallen off the face of the earth...or something.


I think I am just feeling so much resentment toward the partner's choice of employment (it is a love/hate relationship) that I haven't been able to bring myself to post here.


Just thought I would let you know that it still stands true that if you are the only feminist/gay/black/etc person in the department you WILL be called on to deal with every and any issue/event/etc that is slightly connected to this part of your identity.


Ok, carry on...

I know I read on someone's blog something about a blog conference...there were questions posted to be answered each day this week...but I haven't been able to re-find the blog in question.

Am I crazy, or does someone else know what I am talking about? I wanted to respond...

ETA: Gee Faculty Wife, maybe you should look at the first link on your blogroll..

Blog Conference here

Special note to KK--when are you going to have a blog I can link to?

Being the kind, dutiful, devoted, caring, warm, wonderful, courteous, supportive, attentive, deferential faculty wife that I am, I decided that I would try out a new recipe for the big strong partner. I put on my pink frilly apron and matching oven mits (this is not a coincidence) over my perfectly pressed dress and whirrled around the kitchen....uhm....and....uhm

Oh god, I can't even play faculty wife convincingly on my blog, let alone try to be one in real life.

So let me re-start my story.

Being the selfish oaf that I am, I am about to make some soup that only I will enjoy.

The recipe for the soup is right there. Mmmmm. This is the one thing I love about winter--day after day of home made soup.

I will let you know how it turns out...but be forewarned, I don't usually follow the recipe step-by-step (does anyone, really?)

Everyone say "Wow!" to the partner for having quit smoking for over a week now. I am very impressed. Not enough to quit smoking myself, mind you, but impressed enough to post it here.

ETA: check this link out, via Pharyngula


The partner keeps running around the house reciting sections of the debate last night. The particular favorite is:

"The vice president, I‘m surprised to hear him talk about records. When he was one of 435 members of the United States House, he was one of 10 to vote against Head Start, one of four to vote against banning plastic weapons that can pass through metal detectors.

He voted against the Department of Education. He voted against funding for Meals on Wheels for seniors. He voted against a holiday for Martin Luther King. He voted against a resolution calling for the release of Nelson Mandela in South Africa."

Dude.


Both candidates get a big fat F for their response to the question on addressing HIV infection rates in America.

Transcript:
IFILL: I will talk to you about health care, Mr. Vice President. You have two minutes. But in particular, I want to talk to you about AIDS, and not about AIDS in China or Africa, but AIDS right here in this country, where black women between the ages of 25 and 44 are 13 times more likely to die of the disease than their counterparts.
What should the government‘s role be in helping to end the growth of this epidemic?

Both candidates went on to address AIDS as a problem in Africa or China. Neither seemed all that well-versed on AIDS at the domestic level. C didn't know the stats and E just skirted around the issue.

Right.

Grr. I woke up this morning with that stupid song in my head. Even before I opened my eyes I was singing it.

So, who is gunna be watching the debate tonight? The partner and I are going to another faculty member's home for apple pie and ice cream (after misadventures last week when the partner was sent out twice to get apple pie and ice cream and came home with everything BUT), but am hoping to be home in time.

I might even be online, through yahoo or msn. Feel free to rant with me. Maybe multiple people will rant...i dunno. Does anyone use either msn or yahoo, or am I the only freak who has friends who say brb, lol, ttyl, etc in non-computer interactions, without anyone batting an eye?
---------------------------------------------------
A friend arrives tonight at around 2 am, and then more friends come next week. I know that I have been neglecting my blog (how many times have you read that before?)but it is possible that this lack of attention will be even greater over the next week.




Poem

ER

The poor partner had to go to the emergency room last night. Everything is ok, but he was starting to sound like that little kid on Malcom in the Middle. The partner did not like this comparison, but it is the closest thing I could think of to describe it (reference to Lord of the Flies seems not quite right in this case). The breathing had started to get bad over the past week, especially since the most important medication (or so the partner was told) was not covered by insurance, leaving it unaffordable at the moment. When the skin under the partner's nails was a ghastly shade of white/gray and not responding to that test that you do where you push on the nail to see how quickly it returns to normal (usually it is a pinkish colour and when you push down it will turn white, only to return to the pinkish colour as soon as you remove the pressure) I started to get concerned.

So off we went at around 12:30 am.


Emergency rooms freak me out, and I am sure that I am not alone in this one. I always feel like I am witnessing things that I was not meant to witness. The teenager in her fuzzy pjs, clutching her middle in pain, the young couple holding onto each other in tears, the people rushing in looking for a loved one who had been brought by ambulance....I don't know how nurses handle it all. I think I would absorb too much pain on a daily basis.

Yet, while there is the side of me that feels as if I should avert my eyes, there is the other side of me that always wants to know EXACTLY what is going on around me. Why are they crying? What's going on? I slowly start to get emotionally involved in the lives of these strangers, even if only for a brief moment. Will the doctor come out with good news? Will the teenage girl feel better?

Growing up in a small rural town, it makes sense for me to respond this way, as usually I would know the people in the waiting room at the ER, or their cousin, or the buddy that was married to his sister, who was Fred's cousin, twice removed. Small towns are like that. I don't know what my excuse is here. Maybe part conditioned, part nosey, part wanting to help everyone.


Carrying on with the theme of the 'watcher' being 'watched' (from the story below), I am sure that they want to (without really wanting to) know who I am waiting for as I read silently from my book--what is my emergency that I am dealing with? I catch the glances my way, and I overhear snippets of conversation, from other people waiting, as they try to figure out different situations (that girl over there? I saw her mother being wheeled in, poor thing *clicking of the tongue*).

Slowly the faces in the waiting room change, as people grow tired of waiting and begin to walk around, families are reunited, the nurse comes to take them back to their loved one, and new patients come in. The partner finally returns, with bloodshot eyes and a tired face, and we begin to navigate the long hallways that will lead us to the car.

We get home, and the partner falls fast asleep. I stay up for a little bit longer and once I hear the steady breathing next to me (that indicates an untroubled sleep), I put down my book, turn off the light, and snuggle in.

I have moved beyond the realm of tourist!

I am such a little naughty blogger.

I should try and update more, but nothing all that interesting has been happening here (although, that has never stopped me before).
*************************************************

The other week, the partner and I were sitting outside at a local food place when this man approached us and started talking. He was waiting to be seated and we happened to be sitting near the entrance. He was one of those kinds of people that are jokers. You know the kind, appearing at ease talking to anyone, spouting off jokes, very confident in everything they are saying, no problem asking personal question...etc. He seemed nice, even if he was perhaps a bit intoxicated.

Do you live here?
-yes

What do you do?
fw-nothing
Tp-teach

What do you teach?
-098459jerjtdgdmfg

Oh, very interesting!
-yes

You kinda young
--yup

Oh, so you are mooching off of him? A Faculty Wife? He laughs
-*ha* (i snort), yeeeeeees.


Are you two married?
-no

Are you dating?
--yes

How long?
--four years

So, are you like, one of those interracials couples?
--uh (faculty wife and partner eye each other), yeah, I guess so.

Are you going to have kids? Like, do the interracial thing?
--uh (see above), we don't know

He then introduced us to his brother, who he was visiting on a trip. His brother, I should mention, was trying to make himself as invisible as possible, not quite amused by his brother's antics.


I just can't figure out if the guy was just being friendly (his tone was friendly, he was smiling, etc) and thought that these questions were appropriate to ask (and maybe they are?), or if he was simply a jerk. Fricken tourists.


Yesterday we had another strange experience with tourists where all of a sudden, out of the blue, this family starts talking to us about their four cats (to be fair, we *had* been sitting next to them for some time) Well, the mother started talking to us. The grandmother kept talking about how wierd people dress here (while eyeing my outfit that was, i guess, somewhat wierd) and the father didn't say one word at all. The daughter kept shooting furtive glances at us, while talking on the cell phone and picking away at her food.

The probably went home and talked about this wierd but nice couple the met while on vacation. Just as the guy I mentioned probably went home and talked about the nice couple he met while on vacation.


I like how I no longer consider myself a tourist. This is progress, me thinks.